Who Am I Without Anorexia?
Chloe Murray
Typically, when people say ‘recovery’ you think of returning to the person you were before your illness. But there is no going back. You do not merely recover but you reinvent yourself. You become something completely different. Recovery isn’t about going backwards. It’s about moving forwards.
The thought that lingered throughout my early recovery was simple yet terrifying: Who am I without anorexia?
Recovery is about moving forward. It’s not just about getting better – it’s about becoming someone new. You don’t step back into your old self; you grow into a self that never had the chance to exist while you were unwell.
For me, anorexia was never just an illness. It became my identity. My life revolved around food, weight, exercise, therapy sessions and appointments. As much as I hated it, anorexia made me feel unique. I believed the only “special” part of me was my illness. My identity became so entwined with it that I couldn’t imagine who I would be without it.
If I didn’t have anorexia, who would I become? What would I do? How would I fill my time? I had no hobbies, no passions, no direction in life. My personality, my spark, my character – all of it was buried under the obsession with food, weight and appearance. Anorexia dictated everything: how much I had to exercise, whether I could drink at a party, how much fun I was “allowed” to have. It wasn’t just something I had – it was who I was.
That’s why recovery was so terrifying. It wasn’t only about facing food or weight gain. It was about facing the question: who am I without this?
For years, I believed anorexia belonged to me. I thought it was part of my personality. I was afraid of who I would be without it. While my friends were living their lives – studying, travelling, laughing, growing – I was stuck in a hospital bed or on bedrest at home, planning what I was going to eat in the next hours, days or even weeks.
Anorexia gave me a false sense of safety. It protected me by numbing my feelings. It made me feel powerful by giving me the feeling of being good at something others struggled with and made me feel in control.
But control is not the same as freedom.
The Fear of Losing Myself
Recovery is hard enough. Recovery while also rediscovering who you are can feel impossible. I didn’t want to be “the anorexic friend” anymore. I wanted to be the girl who laughed and had fun, the girl who went to parties, the girl with energy and enthusiasm for life. I wanted to say yes to coffee dates, order hot chocolate with cream and marshmallows, enjoy the simple things.
I started setting myself goals that weren’t based on my size, intake, fitness level or appearance. I envisioned a future with a university degree, a job, a partner and children. Recovery is about learning how to live a life without mental illness. It’s filling in that space that your eating disorder once filled.
For so long I was afraid of choosing recovery and losing my identity, but I realise now that the real danger was choosing anorexia and losing myself. I had spent so long chasing the illusion that being skinny was all I had but it was nothing more than that: an illusion.
Building a Life
Finding my own identity outside of my illness took years. It wasn’t therapy or meal plans or yoga that helped me the most in terms of my recovery, it was getting a taste of life. Going to university, graduating, starting a job, travelling, moving in with my partner – doing “normal” life things. With each step, I discovered a little more of who I was without anorexia. The more I had in my life, the less space there was for anorexia. I was starting to realise that there was so much more to life than the number on the scales.
I looked up to my family, friends and colleagues for their kindness, their work ethic or their confidence, rather than their appearance, their ability to lose x kilograms or their strict exercise regime. I started to prioritise my friendships, relationships and career over my exercise, my calorie intake or my desire to lose weight. I finally began to realise what was important in life.
Expanding My World
When you choose to get better your life expands massively. You suddenly find yourself taking on and wanting to take on more and more things, whether that be work, education or social events. Recovery allows your passion for other things to grow. It is a wonderful thing to suddenly have a purpose.
Every day, I learn more about who I am and who I want to be. I am more than anorexia. I am
more than numbers, rules and restrictions. I am more than my mental health.
I am a sister, a daughter, a wife, a friend, a teacher. I love travelling, walking, reading, writing, baking, fashion and music. My illness never defined me – even when I thought it did.
The Truth
My eating disorder is not my identity.
It never was.
And it never will be.
Final Thoughts
If you’re reading this and wondering who you are without your eating disorder, please know that you are already so much more than it. Recovery isn’t about going back – it’s about moving forwards. It’s about discovering all the things you never thought you’d have space for.
I share more of my story, along with the lessons I’ve learned in recovery, in my book Life After Anorexia: A story of healing and hope. My hope is that by opening up about my journey, others can see that recovery is not only possible – it can be the beginning of a beautiful, full, and meaningful life.
To buy a copy of Chloe’s book on Amazon: Life After Anorexia: A story of healing and hope please click here